Don't ask me on no damn coffee date
He lit the blunt while we stood at the corner waiting for the light.
“You don’t mind, do you?”
I didn’t, but his refusal to offer was yet another red flag. Ugh, and he’s selfish too?
As the light changed and we walked a little further I casually asked him if he knew where we were headed. I’d started to recall the neighborhood and if memory served me correctly the station was on the other side of Bleeker.
“I thought we’d take a little walk and shit. I hope you don’t mind, I like to just get lost sometimes ya’know?”
That, I did mind. It was bordering 25 degrees, the date was steadily nosediving into the ground, and the last thing I wanted was to be “lost.” Not with him at least.
I don’t know if it was that moment, him asking me to take over 30 pictures of him, or when he pecked me on the cheek and said he would “get up with me later” that the ick set in, but as soon as the train doors closed and he was out of my sight I let out an audible sigh, “Nigga, you are NEVER seeing me again.”
I should have known from the first “type shit” response that he wasn’t my type but something about him “knowing a good spot for charcuterie” actually had me interested.
So when we walked up to a grocery store with a tiny sitting area tucked away in the back I couldn’t help but scream internally, am I on a fucking coffee date?!
Him actually paying for my $17 meal may have saved the night. It may have been enough of a blinder to block the sight of patrons around us making their weekly grocery run. It could have even justified him asking FOR A BITE OF MY SANDWICH (??!!)
But he didn’t.
In my defense, I’d never actually been on a coffee date. Not that I’d ever refused one, just that I’d never actually been asked. So the idea felt foreign. Something that would occasionally pop up on my feed to rage bait user engagement but never something I’d seen up close and personal.
But it wasn’t the absence of ordering me a black car, flowers, and ambient low lighting that did it for me. It wasn’t even the total cost of the date. It was the value (or lack-there of) placed on the entire interaction. That my time was worth nothing more than a trip to the cheese section of the grocery store.
Besides questioning where he found the audacity I was left wondering why anyone would ever think that the least amount of effort should result in maximum reward?
Do low expectations give people permission to disappoint us?
Thankfully, that experience hasn’t stopped my dating goals, but It has however given me a lot to think about and put some things into perspective. Starting with the realization that having low to no expectations was the true culprit behind this and many other emotional war crimes.
Honestly, put a finger down if you (like me) have ever told yourself not to set your expectations too high for a certain situation, especially with men. Put another finger down if you did it out of self-protection, assuming that the higher you hoped, the harder you’d be let down.
Trying to convince yourself that you have absolutely no expectations of the people, places, and things you engage with is not only unrealistic, it’s unnatural. We all have needs, wants, and desires – so while people may try to act like those things don’t matter or aren’t important, they really are.
Assigning yourself to the role of receiving the bare minimum in hopes that someone sees you as worthy or deserving of more is a waste of your time. I can tell you right now, not only will it never happen, you’ll have absolved them of any responsibility to ever treat you the way you actually want to be treated.
And no, I’m not here to tell you how high your expectations need to be. I am however telling you that they do indeed need to be present and accounted for.
We teach people how to treat us and believe me when I say the minute you start expecting more you’ll indeed receive better. Crazy, I know.
That’s because we have to stop going with the flow and learn to trust that we can create it.
I started taking control of the narrative when I realized I’d spent too much time playing a passive role in my dating experiences, cloaking my tolerance for mediocre BS as simply, “going with the flow.” It was something I’d NEVER permit in any other part of my life, so why was I willing to put up with it here? Why was I willing to tolerate coasting along in the pissy waters of some man’s lazy river just for the sake of saying I was in somebody’s pool?
The truth is, we don’t trust the current of our own flow. Somewhere along the way, someone told us we demanded too much to let them enter – or that they were too intimidated to swim in the depths of our ocean because they were only used to splashing around in kiddy pools. Whatever the reason, we stopped offering up our own waters. We convinced ourselves, for one reason or another, that no one would want to follow our flow.
While we can’t force the people we want to do the things they aren’t willing to do, make no mistake: you will meet the right people along whatever path you’ve chosen to create and align yourself to. You will attract people who are more than capable of kayaking, surfing, and even jet skiing their way out to you.
So no, don’t go with the flow – the flow will have you fucked up. Make waves, and hope these niggas can swim.
Truthfully, I just hope that one day we’ll realize that the best things in life aren’t free — they’re intentional
If it’s one thing I’m picking up from my renewed interest in dating is that it really is a personal journey. We all need and want different things in different phases of our lives. So I’ll never be the one to discourage or discount your preferences nor will I look at you sideways for having them.
The only thing I request you ask, of yourself and of others, is intention and alignment.
What do you want? What do they want? And more importantly, do those two things fit together? Too often, we throw ourselves into connections hoping the pieces will magically fall into place. We overlook the missed signals for fear that we’re being too judgmental, shallow, or seeking perfection. Our intentions can be the compass that point us towards clarity and the filter for how we decide what’s truly worth our time and energy.
When you’re intentional, you create a space where your needs can actually thrive. You’re no longer just reacting to what someone offers but actively shaping what you require. And that’s not selfish, that’s self-respect. When someone meets you with the same level of thought and care, it just feels different. It feels lighter, more fulfilling, and less like a constant negotiation for crumbs.
We owe it to ourselves to be brave enough to define and express what we want, even if it scares people away. The right person won’t be intimidated by your standards, they’ll rise to meet them. And the ones who don’t? Well, consider their departure a blessing in disguise.
By now you’re probably reading this and doing one of two things. If you’re furiously shaking your head in disagreement – that’s fine, I get it. I welcome your perspective and would love to know where or what I’m getting wrong. If you’re yelling at your screen saying, “Girl, same,” – that’s fine too. I’d love to hear your dating approaches and how you’re setting the stage for bigger and better experiences.
No matter where you land on the topic I hope you’re getting the experiences you desire and are learning to become the best version of you in the process. That’s the real win.
