Is your gratitude actually toxic?

Wow, November came quick! This month, I’m kicking off a series dedicated to gratitude and navigating the nuances of learning to show appreciation for life—even when it’s a bit messy and chaotic. This is part one of four and I’m very excited to dive into this topic with yall!

Let’s start here: gratitude is overrated

I can’t lie; preparing to start this series, I feel a little phony. I’ve always shied away from practices like gratitude journaling and affirmations because they’ve always felt forced. So, this feels really odd to me.

I know the science supports it, and that practicing daily moments of gratitude can do wonders for your mood and overall health. But every time I sit down and start to write out my list, the words just feel so hollow.

“I’m grateful for my job, I’m grateful for my home, I’m grateful for the air I breathe.”

Sometimes, these words are real. I do love my career and the work I get to do. I appreciate my newfound relationship with the space I occupy. I have a deep reverence for the fact that I’m alive.

But most of the time, the gratitude narrative feels wildly incorrect and often incomplete. And before you tell me that multiple feelings can coexist, there are indeed moments when I’m full-on angry or sad and don’t feel grateful for a damn thing.

I’m learning that I don’t need to feel grateful all the time—and neither do you.

You can’t manipulate your way into gratefulness

Honestly, I dislike the way we deploy the practice of gratitude. We talk about it as if it should be an undercurrent to everything we feel, like a soothing balm that takes away pain.

But toxic gratitude is sneaky like that. It’ll try to trick you into gaslighting yourself into being grateful and thankful for an experience that simply wasn’t good. After a bad day, thinking of three things you’re grateful for isn’t going to negate the fact that today was a bad day. Sure, it may shift your perspective, but it can also bury your truth.

“When gratitude is genuine, it gives space for the negative. Genuine, deeply felt gratitude acknowledges the painful, tough, messy parts as well as the heartfelt good moments.” – Mel Robbins

I felt that “burying” this week when I started training for a new, expanded part of my role at work. When I found out it was happening, I spun that news in every possible angle, trying to find the best way to look at the situation. Honestly, you would’ve thought I was playing pickleball, the way I was swatting down every negative thought with a positive. It finally got to the point where I was actually mad at myself for not feeling the “right” reaction.

I wanted to bypass the insecurity, fear, and doubt, thinking gratitude would be the bridge over those hard feelings. I grew frustrated because I couldn’t “gratitude” my way out of the bigger, more uncomfortable emotions.

It’s easier to feel what’s real

Maybe that’s you, too. Maybe right now, you’re not actually feeling grateful for your current circumstance or situation.

Acknowledge and validate those emotions instead of defaulting to gratitude. Make space for your real and authentic feelings to thrive. Recognize that toxic gratitude not only stunts your emotional growth but also that it’s better for your mental health to truthfully acknowledge what’s really going on.

There are also other ways to practice positive, alternative perspectives. It can be as simple as opening your voice memos, pressing record, and throwing a 5-minute self-pity party, or inverting your gratitude practice and writing down things that piss you off to destroy later. Whatever you do, try to implement practices that feel authentic and unforced.

The goal of eliminating toxic gratitude isn’t to ignore the idea that goodness exists but to reinforce balanced reflection practices without feeling obligated to force positivity. Gratitude is a valuable and needed emotion, but it doesn’t always need a seat at your table.

It’s okay, maybe even better, for it to sit this one out.

While gratitude is still a weird concept for me I’m excited to keep diving into ways to show up authentically. As we continue this series we’ll explore many other realms of gratitude from how to view setbacks as opportunities for growth, being grateful beyond your accomplishments, and the power of embracing life’s lessons.

That’s all from me, but now I’d love to hear from you! What things are you unlearning about how gratitude shows up in your life?

Catch you in the next one.